小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到每周的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧洲赛场精彩看点层出不穷，武磊实现了在西班牙队首发出场，实现了中国球员在西甲联赛的首次首发。欧冠赛场，曼联主场不敌巴黎，皇马战胜阿贾克斯，热刺完胜多特蒙德，阿森纳、切尔西也在欧联杯战胜对手。周末联赛，巴萨小胜对手，皇马则遭赫罗纳逆转，尤文、米兰、国米和拜仁等球队则纷纷取胜。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！

ColonelSpeckleberry(狼队球迷)： 现在可以说武磊就是西甲老大了！(Its Lei Liga now.)

HaraGG(未知主队球迷)： 武磊已经是这赛季西班牙人队球衣销售榜首了…(Wu Lei has sold more shirts than any other Espanyol player already this season.)

Kloppkult(利物浦球迷)： 坐等他们再签下司马懿和曹操！(ping me when they sign Sima Yi and Cao Cao.)

Tickub(泰国球迷)： 你这魏国的伪球迷，还不是看他们赢了才粉的！(Friggin' Wei bandwagoners, only hopping on after they've won.)

Postmandmelon(阿森纳球迷)： 桑切斯上半场的表现太牛了，不但没有失误，就连一次触球都没有呢！(What a wonderful first half from Alexis, not a single mistake and not a single touch.)

thesilentGinlasagna(西班牙球迷)： 如果我是曼联对手的教练，我就直接把空间留给阿什利-扬，这样他不就能一直给我们的后卫传球了嘛！(If I were coaching against United I’d just leave the wing open to Young so he could consistently cross to our defenders.)

_bajz_ 12(西班牙球迷)： 不太明白曼联这迷之传中这么多，而禁区里却只有桑切斯和马塔…(Honestly, I don't know what United is trying to accomplish with all of those crosses while having Mata and Sanchez in the box.)

UniqueUsername_10(曼联球迷)： 我们把费莱尼卖的太早了，现在还有点不适应…(We sold Fellaini too soon. No way wecan recover from this.)

Padisrer(切尔西球迷)： 曼联已经在计划怎么在足总杯8-0击败切尔西了，所以这场比赛才分了心！(United already to focused on beating Chelsea 8-0 in FA. So they don't bother with this one.)

SexyMooli(未知主队球迷)： 布冯在场上好像实在没事干，已经搬了个椅子在那里抽雪茄了…(Buffon might as well have brought out a cigar and a chair for all that he has had to do so far.)

Smrifire(切尔西球迷)： 当布冯首次欧冠出场的时候，拉什福德还是个刚出生的婴儿呢！(TIL rashford was a newborn when Buffon made his CL debut.)

Trickybuz93(未知主队球迷)： 阿贾克斯要在中场休息时买个前锋，是不是已经来不及了？(Is it too late for Ajax to buy a striker at half break?)

Hunchovis(未知主队球迷)： 现在我有点担心巴萨球迷的精神状况了，希望他们看完这场球后一切安康…(Genuinely concerned about the mental state of Barca fans right now really hope they're all ok.)

DarkSofter(曼联球迷)： 考虑到阿贾克斯的出色表现，对于2-1的比分肯定是不满意啊，更何况他们还是那个1…(Ajax should have been sad even with a 2-1 lead considering how much they dominated till now, and somehow they are 1 down.)

Jeronn(阿贾克斯球迷)： 阿贾克斯不就这样，掌控比赛、门前吐饼，最终被对方防反偷鸡成功…(This is how it feels to watch Ajax in Europe, dominate the game, miss all chances and eventually get a counter goal and lose the game.)

Mattiejj(阿贾克斯球迷)： 天才的战术啊，当我们的左后卫前插进攻的时候，贝尔竟然来帮我们解围了！(I like this strategy where Bale is covering the LB position so our LB can go forward, tactical genius.)

helloswros(未知主队球迷)： 经历了卡里乌斯之后，贝尔就不把门将放在眼里了，随便什么位置都会射门…(Even since Karius, Bale has lost all fear for goalkeepers, keeps shooting from everywhere.)

SexyMooli(未知主队球迷)： 没有什么能够磨灭皇马在欧冠里的主角光环！(Nothing can withstand Madrid's plot armor in UCL.)

kokin33(希洪竞技球迷)： 在足球规则里规定了皇马在欧冠禁止输球，就算踢成一坨翔也能赢！(I swear football rule just doesn't let RM lose in the CL. They can do everything wrong and still win.)

TwoPlankinWiz(曼城球迷)： 看来热刺在赢英超之前要先夺欧冠了！(Scenes when Tottenham win the Champions League before the PL.)

GwynethPaltrowsHea(热刺球迷)： 告诉我，在伦敦唯一能看到欧冠的地方在哪里？(Tell me the ONLY place in London to watch Champions League football.)

StalkingDwarf(切尔西球迷)： 为什么每次我看拉梅拉的时候他就能变成梅西…(I swear whenever I watch Lamela, he either turns into Messi.)

Mr_GinAndTonic(多伦多球迷)： 当孙兴慜去世的时候，他的墓志铭上将撰写着“多特蒙德之氪金”，而且还是沙尔克球迷筹钱做的…(When Son dies, his gravestone will read "Dortmund's Kryptonite" and Schalke fans will pay for it…)

BabaTheFrog(沙尔克球迷)： 我好想笑啊，可是我们马上就要踢曼城了…(I want to laugh but we play City next week :(

Dun_Herd_muh(未知主队球迷)： 热刺应该告诉孙兴慜，其实他们每一场踢的都是多特蒙德…(Tottenham should tell Son he’s playing against Dortmund every match.)

pzoDe(英格兰球迷)： 考虑到孙兴慜最近的状态，我觉得热刺已经告诉他这些了…(To be fair, I think they have, given his recent form!)

RunnerComet(鲍里索夫球迷)： 队员们做到了！他们不惧艰难，创造了历史！他们，竟然输给了我们鲍里索夫！(Those madmans did it, they actually did the impossible, they against all odds... lost to us.)

sauce_murica(未知主队球迷)： 阿森纳这么努力地输球，就是为了把公众视线从曼联输给巴黎的比赛里移出来…(Arsenal working hard to take the focus off Man. United's loss to PSG…)

2ndfastestmanalive(阿森纳球迷)： 问大家一个问题，你有没有推掉情人节计划，就为了来看这场球？(The question on everyone’s mind... did you postpone Valentine’s Day plans for this?)

VasiliiZaytsev(阿森纳球迷)： 还需要什么情人节计划吗？毕竟已经有阿森纳足足草了我90分钟了！(Why do I need further plans for Valentine's Day when Arsenal just fucked me hard for a full 90 minutes?)

sauce_murica(未知主队球迷)： 别蒙我了，我看了整场比赛，阿森纳球员根本就不会前插，整场比赛都不射啊！(We all watched that match. Don't lie to us. Arsenal managed no penetration and failed to score.)

bo-tvt(阿森纳球迷)： 对阵阿森纳如何半场就赢球？告诉你些人生经验：1. 在你自己禁区里睡觉44分钟，反正阿森纳除了控球啥也不会干；2. 想方设法混个定位球，这样差不多就能进球了；3. 如果你想赢2-0，请重复上述内容。 (How to win a half football against Arsenal: 1. Take a nap in your penalty area for 44 minutes, Arsenal will not do anything with all the possession they'll have. 2. Try to get literally one set piece, you'll almost certainly score. 3. Repeat in the second half if you want to win 2-0.)

OnlyOneSnoopy(切尔西球迷)： 我怀疑这场裁判在赛前把红黄牌忘在更衣室了…(I think this Ref has left his cards in the changing-room since the start of the game...)

VasiliiZaytsev(阿森纳球迷)： 切尔西帮我们个忙吧！你要是也输了球，阿森纳就不会是今天唯一被嘲笑的了…(Alright Chelsea do us a favour and fuck this up so Arsenal aren't the only ones being mocked today)

Tizer_(切尔西球迷)： 今天是弱队逆袭的日子！鲍里索夫和切尔西都创造了历史！(Today is the day for small teams, Borisov and we’ve made histoty!)

Anonymousloverboy(巴萨球迷)： 梅西是不是赛前在更衣室打了个飞机，这场简直就是贤者模式啊…(Did Messi have a wank in the dressing room right before the game? He looks so lost and distracted.)

THeScArYFAcE1(皇马球迷)： 巴萨这踢得就像一坨翔，真不知道该高兴还是难过，因为巴萨最终还是赢了球…(barcelona have been playing like shit , idk if i should be happy about that or sad because they're still winning this game.)

Iciboy(布莱克本球迷)： 是不是外星人把梅西抢走了，然后留下一个凡人给我们？(Did the Aliens take Messi for a day and replaced him with a human?)

Imperator91(葡萄牙体育球迷)： 苏亚雷斯恐怕是下注100欧元赌这场比分是1-0吧…(Suarez must have put 100 on the game ending 1-0.)

graveyeverton93(埃弗顿球迷)： 巴萨已经很尽力地往外扔西甲冠军了，但给皇马机会你不中用啊！(Barcelona have tried their best to throw away the La Liga Title this season, and Real Madrid have still fucked it.)

immu_01(西班牙球迷)： 库尔图瓦最后时刻差点头球绝平，基本就是皇马下半场唯一的亮点了…(Courtois nearly equalising was RMs only highlight of the second half.)

JurijFedorov(西班牙球迷)： 赫罗纳最近13场比赛，8负5平…(Girona last 13 matches: 8 lost, 5 drawn.)

Ronnatar(皇马球迷)： 你说职能部门，一届一届换了多少球队教练，换汤不换药啊！(Tell how many coaches we’ve changed but we had never once improved.)

JurijFedorov(西班牙球迷)： 当时皇马因为罗本伤病多就把他卖了，然后现在又留着贝尔…(I don't get why they sold Robben because he was often injured, but then keep Bale.)

jMS_44(切尔西球迷)： 皇马又到了一年一度的“西甲踢出翔，欧冠奖杯扛”的时刻了！(Real with the typical "be shite in the league, then win CL" form?)

Sensate_ 14(未知主队球迷)： 天呐，我看到了什么？尤文已经2-0领先了，竟然还是踢攻势足球？(I cant believe what i'm seeing. Juve are 2-0 up and actually playing attacking football & looking to score more goals.)

ManNamedBilly(曼联球迷)： 看到C罗搂住了迪巴拉，马塞洛在西班牙流下了伤心的泪水…(marcelo is crying somewhere in madrid over the hugs he gives Dybala.)

Hootz224(未知主队球迷)： 卧槽，皮扬特克这进球，就像是在玩FIFA的时候在小角度随便一摁竟然进了…(What the fuck. This looks like some bullshit Fifa goal when you randomly press shoot from the most ridiculous angle.)

Romagcannoli(未知主队球迷)： 伊布这是变年轻了15岁之后又回米兰了么…(Zlatan has came back to milan 15 years younger.)

Tweazz(皇马球迷)： 嗨，米兰，我们能用一条闪亮亮的威尔士大龙来换你们的小可爱么？(Hey milan can i interest you in a shiny welsh dragon in return for the pew pew boi?)

PLkasvz(国米球迷)： 可以和我们二弟换吗？(How about our Icardi?)

GetZucc(AC米兰球迷)： 我是个单纯的男人，看到皮扬特克进球，我就已经硬了…(I am a simple man, I see a Pitek goal, I erect.)

BjarniErlingur(曼联球迷)： 伊瓜因再次为一个更好的前锋献祭了…(Higuain was sacrificed again for the greater good.)

Cerozz(国米球迷)： 我花了80%的时间，就是为了在观众席上找到旺达和伊卡尔迪…(We're gonna spend 80% of the time watching the camera operator point to Icardi and Wanda on the stands...)

GuillermoElPapa(尤文球迷)： 现在国米每一粒进球，都是对旺达言论最有力的回击！(every goal they score is an argument against whatever Wanda's going to say tonight.)

Tyrath(拜仁球迷)： 拜仁这不丢球的时间，还没我在床上坚持的时间长呢！(Even I last longer in bed than our clean sheet.)

DieNullMussStehen(沙尔克04球迷)： 拜托你们了，利物浦老铁，求你们把拜仁淘汰出欧冠吧，这样他们就能专心去争夺德甲冠军了！(Over to you, LFC. Knock Bayern out of the CL so they can focus on the league please <3)

QCHICK(拜仁球迷)： 我特么在踢利物浦之前都看了些什么！(what the fuck did I see in the match before Liverpool.)

H10711(未知主队球迷)： 其实这是机智的卡瓦奇下的一步大棋，通过故意摆烂来麻痹利物浦！(Maybe they are trying to lull Liverpool into a false sense of security. Mind. Games. 230 IQ from Kovac.)

好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了。本周，精彩的欧冠赛事又将重燃战火，让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧！