小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到每周的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧洲足坛精彩看点层出不穷。欧冠赛场，皇马、巴萨、拜仁、曼城、曼联、尤文等球队均顺利晋级，而利物浦、巴黎、热刺、国米等球队则要在最后一轮面临生死战。周末联赛，阿森纳赢下了和热刺的北伦敦德比，利物浦补时读秒幸运绝杀，曼联再次收获平局，而曼城、切尔西、巴萨、皇马等球队则纷纷取胜。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！

Banzaimiha(阿森纳球迷)： 是谁说奥巴梅杨只会在踢弱队的时候进球的？说得太特么对了！(People were saying Aubameyang only scores against small teams. They were right.)

WarrenAlaCarte(阿森纳球迷)： 洛里买了张贵宾球票来看这场球啊！(Lloris paid a premium ticket to watch the game!)

Aidsfart_ 112(阿森纳球迷)： 那些赌麦克-迪恩会判给阿森纳点球的人真是赚翻了，现在得是百万富翁了吧！(Well done to the people who bet on Mike Dean giving Arsenal a pen... must be millionaires now.)

Ttblue(阿森纳球迷)： 必须的啊，每次麦克迪恩吹阿森纳的比赛，我都赌他给阿森纳点球，现在我已经是百万富翁了！哦对了，以前我是亿万富翁…(Yes I bet on him a penalty for us every time and now I’m a millionaire. By the way I was a billionaire before.)

Throwberaway(未知主队球迷)： 拉卡泽特和奥巴梅杨之间的基情好魔性啊…(The bromance between Laca and Auba...magical.)

cwillard260(阿森纳球迷)： 就连麦克-迪恩都阻止不了他俩了呢！(Even Mike Dean can’t stop him.)

longconsilver13(阿森纳球迷)： 今天阿森纳球迷性高潮般的呐喊，已经被收录到里式地震等级里去了！(Gunners orgasm has just registered on the Richter Scale.)

Drewdru(肯尼亚球迷)： 世界波、火爆冲突、犯规、红牌、烟火、激情、仇恨，好一个德比啊！(Bangers, Scuffles, Fouls, Sending off, Flares, Passion, Hatred, What a Derby!)

2girls1kun(曼城球迷)： 唯一的遗憾就是今天麦克-迪恩不怎么在状态…(Pity that Mike was back in form.)

vapianonuts24(曼联球迷)： 我是曼联球迷，我帮朋友问的啊，你们都是怎么进攻的？(United fan here, how do you attack? Asking for a friend.)

Benn_Must-die(尤文球迷)： 不如曼联就聘我当教练吧，我在FIFA13里边都带着曼联赢得欧冠十连冠了呢！(Hire me I got Manchester United to win the champions league 10 years in a row in Fifa 13 mobile.)

Trombosaurus(利物浦球迷)： 奥里吉表示，那球绝对是训练场上专门练过的！("Practiced on training ground." – Origi.)

Oldyongwaiyee(利物浦球迷)： 范戴克在传球的一瞬间就计算好了风速、球的抛物运动、横梁尺寸以及皮克福德手臂长度，所以才有了这粒伟大的进球！那7500万转会费的每一分钱都是值得的！(Van Dijk calculated the wind speed, projectile, thickness of crossbar and the length of Pickford's arm before he pass that ball. What a Goal. 75mil worth every penny.)

AzraeJ(巴萨球迷)： 什么鬼，怎么戈麦斯一到埃弗顿就变成了伊涅斯塔，而在巴萨就只有一成功力了？(WTF Andre Gomes acting like he's Iniesta at Everton but when he was with us he was acting like... I don't know, Andre Gomes…)

Pottsaayy(曼城球迷)： 我看这比赛都像是菊花被人打结了一样，真不知道埃弗顿球迷会是什么感觉…(Can’t imagine how Everton fans feel if I’ve got knots in my arse watching this.)

Mitchypoo69(埃弗顿球迷)： 足球？爱过。(I'm done with this sport.)

graveyeverton93(埃弗顿球迷)： 很难想象我是怎么喜欢这支球队25年都还没有自杀的…(How I've gone 25 years supporting Everton without killing myself I'll never know.)

Alfie_13(阿森纳球迷)： 哈哈，看到竞争对手丢掉2分真是太高兴了，这样南安普顿就不会威胁到我们争四了！(Lol our rivals dropped 2 points. No way Southampton can get top 4 now.)

AjenoMerveilles(未知主队球迷)： 穆帅说过曼联要在一月份重回前四，可他没说是在哪年的一月…(To be fair to Jose, he didn't say which January Man Utd would be in the top four...)

Bayyon(曼联球迷)： 相比于积分榜首，曼联现在距离积分榜尾的分差明显更小，而且净胜球还特么是个负数…(Manchester United are closer to the bottom than they are to the top, and fucking -1 GD…)

JoshPCMR(未知主队球迷)： 这比赛下半场，就连吸血鬼都能给看睡着了…(That second half could have put a vampire to sleep.)

jebish7(尤文球迷)： 这比赛从进球大战到瞌睡大战的转变实在是太迅速了…(The game went from goalfest to snoozefest really soon.)

ThreeForElvenKings(曼联球迷)： 解说员笑话卢卡库一脚触球的吐槽，大概是下半场唯一的亮点了吧…(The commentators laughing at Lukaku's first touch certainly was the highlight of the second half.)

Mcneilintheplace(阿森纳球迷)： 卢卡库大多数第一脚触球同时也是最后一脚触球…(Lukaku. Most of the time his first touch is his last touch.)

GravyIsALie(巴萨球迷)： 门将：“开始了吗？”梅西：“已经结束了！”(Goalie is still waiting for Messi to shoot, doesn't realize the ball is already in the net.)

Itrytogetthingsdone(荷兰球迷)： 看到第一个进球我简直不敢相信自己的眼睛，但一看是梅西进的，那就感觉不过是正常操作而已了。(I am surprised to see that that first goal l but unsurprised that Messi was able to score.)

Futchfapper(阿贾克斯球迷)： 梅西的欧冠进球，已经和埃因霍温队史欧冠进球数一样多了…(Messi has now scored as many Champions League goals as PSV.)

MGS1911(皇马球迷)： 吹梅西得有个限度好吧，都说他什么球都能进，那怎么就没进过乌龙球？(I don’t think Messi is that good, they say that he can do anything but I’ve never see him scoring an own goal.)

maxr0cket(墨西哥球迷)： 哇哦，埃因霍温的射门大概是对球网过敏吧！(Wow... that PSV ball is allergic to the net.)

mikeondrugs(巴萨球迷)： 现在我们的零封场次数甚至还比不上伤员人数多了…(At this point we're gonna have way more injuries than clean sheets.)

TheBestTortilla(巴萨球迷)： 显然我们已经让门柱和横梁代替后卫去防守啦！(Apparently we’ll have the posts and crossbar do our defense instead of actually defending.)

TheBestTortilla(巴萨球迷)： 当你有梅西和神锋皮克的时候，还需要什么防守呀！(Who needs defense when you have Messi and striker Piqué?.)

brum592(阿贾克斯球迷)： 球队在最后时刻拖延时间很常见，可强如巴萨也有必要踢个埃因霍温都拖延时间吗...(Sure everyone wastes time in situations like this, but it's kinda meh to see a club like Barca need to do this against PSV…)

Edihcex(皇马球迷)： 这有啥不行的，强如巴萨也难保证场场大胜啊，又不是每周都能踢皇马！(Anything goes wrong? Even barca can hardly smash all the team they meet since they cannot play against Real Madrid every week.)

Muppetx(未知主队球迷)： 埃因霍温明明每场欧冠都踢得很好，结果现在才得了一分…(PSV have played well in every game yet are still left with 1 point.) TomV23(埃因霍温球迷)： 正是因为梅西，我们的欧冠才没戏啊！(Our CL so far is messing because of Messi.)

TheStryfe(皇马球迷)： 我们又要一不小心就得欧冠冠军了么…(We're going to accidently win the champions league again.)

good_fellla(皇马球迷)： 贝尔和巴斯克斯简直都成西甲最差球员了，来到欧冠却又双双进球…(Bale and Vazquez are trying so hard to win worst player in the league but they both scored in CL…)

misplaced_references(未知主队球迷)： C罗是受伤了吗，怎么今天没出场啊？(Is Ronaldo injured or something? Why can’t I see him?)

Tweazz(皇马球迷)： 听说C罗出去买披萨了，结果留在那里再也没回来…(Dude said he was going out for some pizza and never came back smh.)

In_Panopticon(利物浦球迷)： 是不是因为下赛季要用VAR了，所以底线裁判就疯狂刷存在感来证明自己的价值了…(the line judge was like they have var next season i need to prove my worth.)

Sjekky(凯尔特人球迷)： 热刺欧冠开局踢成这样，要是最后还能出线，这也太酸爽了吧…(Fair fucks to Tottenham if they make it out this group after the start they had.)

Princessfinn(曼联球迷)： 现在利物浦是要成为唯一一个从欧冠掉下去的英超球队啦？(If liverpool the only english team dropping into the el.)

batigoal(利物浦球迷)： 现在我看欧联杯也挺眉清目秀的…(Europa league looks stacked now.)

FoodCourtDruid(巴列卡诺球迷)： 利物浦后卫：“咦，球来到咱禁区啦？好有趣哦，大家快来看看呀！”(Liverpool defenders: "Hmm, a ball in the box? This is interesting. Let's take a look at it.")

im_nice_to_everyon(美因茨球迷)： 无论外表还是踢法，拉比奥特都可以说是低配版的费莱尼…(Rabiot looks like a discount Fellaini both in size and play style.)

tweazz(皇马球迷)： 米尔纳本身就是身经百战的老将了，结果竟然比布冯小了8岁之多…(milner himself is a veteran but when you realize that he is still 8 years younger than buffon.)

ATouchOfIwobi(阿森纳球迷)： 当巴黎进攻的时候，利物浦的防守甚至还没有训练锥管用…(When they attack at pace Liverpool might as well be replaced by cones.)

Shawnlowvon(未知主队球迷)： 内马尔和姆巴佩总让我想起小剥皮和雪诺，我是不是没救了… (Neymar and Mbappe remind me of Ramsay and Jon Snow... I’m weird...)

OrangeSyringe(曼城球迷)： 利物浦难道没有中场么？(Does Liverpool have a midfield?)

Wade0(利物浦球迷)： 啊？中场是啥？(what's that?)

Pubgoinguponatuesday(阿森纳球迷)： 费莱尼时间到啦，现在费莱尼时间>弗格森时间！(Fellaini time approaching lads. Fellaini time > Fergie time.’)

Kaztah(曼联球迷)： 中场有个家伙我连续八次都没看出来是谁，直到刚才想起来费莱尼把头发给剃了…(It's like the 8th time I wonder who the hell that guy on the midfield is, before I remember Fellainis haircut.)

Bigbogger(曼联球迷)： 德赫亚救主，费莱尼绝杀，这都是基本操作！(De Gea rescue and Fellaini winner, business as usual.)

S7Yidead(曼联球迷)： 今年金球奖不给费莱尼，那就是犯罪！(It’s a crime if Fellaini can’t be awarded Ballon d’Or)

Standupforhufflepuff(北爱尔兰球迷)： 这是曼联本赛季第一个欧冠主场进球，整个欧冠里就没有比他们进得更晚的了…(This was United's first home goal in the CL this season, they were the last team to score one this year.)

nova_uk(富勒姆球迷)： 既然这两支队都不知道怎么进攻，那他们是怎么踢进欧冠正赛的…(How are these two teams in the champions league when they both don't know how to attack?)

CounterfeitMemes(皇马球迷)： 曼联真应该把自己的比赛录像卖给医院去当安眠药！(Manchester United should sell their games to hospitals as general hypnotics.)

Renegadecoaster(明尼苏达球迷)： 一些住在球场旁边的人家，应该能在院子里发现好多这场的足球吧…(Someone in the local neighborhood just got some nice balls in their yard.)

elburrito1(博洛尼亚球迷)： 大卫-席尔瓦的头发是又长出来了，还是他头皮晒黑了？(Is david silva growing his hair out again or is he’s head just tanned?)

NotoriousTowns(里昂球迷)： 我们能一直踢曼城直到这赛季结束么？(Can we play only Man City until the end of the season?)

Sapitobej(克罗地亚球迷)： 我一直纳闷，为啥C罗要去尤文呢，这样不就一直生活在我大曼朱的阴影之下了吗？(I always wondered why would ronny want to go to juventus, only to be in mandzukic's shade.)

Wipes2190(皇马球迷)： 这么多年了，C罗终于有个能吃饼的队友了…(Ronaldo finally find a striker who can be assisted…)

Powerbelge(切尔西球迷)： “我不怕练了10000种招式的人，但我怕把同一个招式练了10000次的人”——李小龙。(I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 time (c) Bruce Lee.)

BigFatNo(荷兰球迷)： 公元2059年，75岁的罗本内切射门得分，拜仁已和其再度续约。(The year is 2059. Robben, 75, cuts inside and scores for Bayern as he receives another contract extension.)

Santatitular(本菲卡球迷)： 对不起拜仁，其实不是你们状态回升了，而是我们实在太烂了…(Sorry to Bayern fans but you are not back. We are that bad lol.)

Ubergold(未知主队球迷)： 哈哈，踢“10年来最弱的拜仁”都能输成1-5，连阿森纳球迷都笑了！(lol , imagine losing 5-1 to the worst Bayern in 10 years. Even Arsenal fans will laugh about this.)

FCB_Rich(未知主队球迷)： 看到赛后球队的教练还没下课，本菲卡球迷好像更伤心了…(Benfica fans in shambles after they realize their coach still isn't getting fired.)

Playerayton(未知主队球迷)： 拜仁高层：“看到了吧，罗贝里还能用呢现在，用不卓引援！”(Bayern board: "See, no transfers needed! Robbery still got it")

C4BackpackerIQ(皇马球迷)： 好久没看到皇马这样比赛了啊，魔笛这传球简直就像小黄片一样爽…(Omg i havent seen real playing like this for a while that first cross was pure sex from modric)

KarmaGrinder94(尤文球迷)： 瓦伦西亚后卫应该让本泽马去拿球的…(valencia should have let the ball reach Benzema.)

Mihaicaus(巴萨球迷)： 看来我们的锋线三叉戟就是登贝莱、梅西和皮克了！(Seems like we need a Dembele-Messi-Pique as the front three.)

Bgraviton(皇马球迷)： 我们把皮克买了吧，也许他才是取代C罗的最佳人选…(Maybe Pique would have been perfect for a Ronaldo replacement for us.)

Dark_Legend_(巴萨球迷)： 阿莱尼亚简直像爱斯基摩人一样冷酷，这绝对是最接近梅西助攻梅西的进球了…(Alena is as cool as an Eskimos. Closest thing we'll see to Messi assisting Messi.)

OneBall22Players(未知主队球迷)： 裁判是把红黄牌忘在更衣室了么... ( Referee fergot his cards in the locker room.)

3V3RT0N(埃弗顿球迷)： 这是我能看到穿蓝色球衣的球队赢下德比的最好机会了…(My biggest chance of seeing a blue team winning a derby today.)

Why_dont_Men_Cry(未知主队球迷)： 谁给我解释下，为啥阿隆索突然就不会踢球了？(Can somebody tell me why Alonso forgot how to play football?)

Slaintbius(曼联球迷)： 要是曼城的比赛都能被说踢得无聊，那我都不知道曼联的比赛还能用什么修辞手法来形容了…(If City way of play is boring, I have no idea what you guys describe Man United games then.)

SlowMobius7(切尔西球迷)： 能不无聊吗，其他6强都盼着曼城输球，结果他就特么一直赢赢赢！(It's boring to the other top 6 fans because they tune in hoping for an upset and it never happens.)

好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了，让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的洗礼吐槽吧！